Internet Love

I wonder if there would ever
be a guy who had a thing for
female law enforcement officers
so much so that he would
pretend to be trying to seduce
an underage teen girl just to
get to talk to the woman who
pretended to be the young
girl over the phone when they
were setting up the in-person
meeting where the guy would be
arrested and set on the path
to jailhouse rape and a life
of sex offender registration
and I also wonder if the guy
would be pretty disappointed
when the woman isn't even there
at his arrest because she only
has a young voice and they have
to go outside the department
and recruit a postal employee
who looks young enough to play
the part of the teenager at
the arranged meeting.

Did Al Gore anticipate all
of this nonsense when he
invented the internet?

Forty Drunken Santas

One passed out in the snow and died
two commiserated on their troubles and cried
three went home and beat their wives
four took icy sidewalk nose dives
five split a lottery ticket and won
six got mistaken for the dead Big Pun
seven gang-raped a woman in a sleigh
eight ate eight meals on eight red trays
as for the other four I really don't know
But they all had me at "ho ho ho".

The Heartiest Nog

Bullets fly and others duck
but one stands tall, it is not luck
For tis but heartiness and might
that keeps him basking in the light

Just one month old, he battled bears
the age of three he tamed wild mares
at tender four he wrestled a gator
first sex encounter, that came later

The heartiest nog is egg you see
no other nog compares to thee
I'd probably fly to Tripoli
for one sip of the N-O-G

We should rip the Bill of Rights
for one horrific oversight
it makes no provision to grant relief
so that egg nog can be our commander in chief

He strangles molesters til faces turn violet
he happens to be a licensed pilot
he walked off the set of Rush Hour 3
screen time not split evenly

The heartiest nog is egg you see
no other nog compares to thee
I'd probably walk to NYC
for one sip of the N-O-G

'06 Liquidator

I am on a bus headed to Chernobyl,
where the ghost-town silence is
never broken by anyone but me.

The elephant's foot lies uncovered,
the sarcophagus long shattered,
and I cannot say I was not warned.

I know I should step back,
just far enough to drink
clear vodka with gray people
in summer wheat and red scarves.

To eat the tainted boar,
pick toxic fruit from hanging vine,
dip my hand into poison waters
and bring it to my mouth.

As I sleep on the blackest
Ukrainian earth, invisible fingers
with scientists' names
gently stroke my forehead
and prolong my dreams,
which do not end.

Happiness of Survival

Hanging over ledge on warm Chicago night,

driving down I-57, shaking my head to clear it of 80 proof cobwebs,

passing out to the sound of Pussy on the Sopranos DVD, cigar butt smoldering in empty peanut butter jar.

Bad Call, Ref

Myopic bastard, blind old Magoo
die motherfucker, covered in poo
the music you make makes me sick to my guts
come on and suck on these fabulous nuts

Please referee take the head out your ass
the whistling sound the escape of the gas
Years ago they say the asshole was tight
now it makes funky ol' music of night

tweet tweet tweet was the sound from your whistle
spend too much time reading Roman epistle
found you out back giving fouls in the thistle
hair is so sticky your brush lost a bristle

Please referee take the head out your butt
.45 slug to Don Denkinger's gut
Van Exel showed what a small shove can do
myopic bastard, blind old Magoo

You blow a lot of things, whistle is one
Oral fixation? Try sucking my gun.
Want to get technical? (that was a pun)
technically speaking you might want to run

You look like foot locker gave you a pink
Wash those black panties they heartily stink
then take your bath in a gas station sink
seed in your eye, miss a call when you blink

Are you the father of young Eric Nies?
lay on the grass when your dogs take their pees?
Stalk Richard Simmons from high in the trees?
Beg me for mercy from down on your knees

Please referee take the head out your ass
where'd you get certified, who taught the class?
How many whistles got blown for your A
Zebras extinct starting out yesterday.

A Paltry Sum

Tis nobler still to give a dime
to man who doth request it
than to inherit fifty grand
from him who hath bequest' it

The richest man throughout the land
has but the same chance we do
to drown upon the shimm'ring lake
while riding on his Sea-Doo

And whenst the reaper cometh
to collect his deathly toll
the millionaire could just as well
die faced in Corn Flakes bowl

Yon Microsoft inventors
cometh nearer to their fates
each day that passeth quickly
is one less for even Gates

It is true a litany of men
have gone to early graves
whilst working in the coal mines
or as other types of slaves

And what had they to show
when they didst finally retire?
How helped the money earned
to raise them 'bove life's sickly mire?

So keeping this in mind
that you must yearn to be alive
Buy a month of HBO
Right now just $13.95

Usher, Can You Show Me the Exit

I can't help but wonder if
the producers of the new film
starring R & B superstar Usher
wanted to get Jamie-Lynn Sigler
as the main female lead but
maybe she didn't want to be typecast
as a mafioso's daughter so
she turned it down and
went back to sitting around
looking good.

Hi, My Name is Dolph

If you get Dolph in the house
you'll be caught in his net
like a slow moving tuna.

One time I staggered to
the local Blockbuster
after waking up the night before
on the sidewalk in a
neighborhood I didn't know.

My clothes dirty,
I reeked of rum
and my hair was disheveled.

I didn't rent one of
the multitude of Dolph
Lundgren titles that day.

Maybe if I had, it wouldn't have taken me eight more months and a hundred and one disasters to sober myself up.

Underwire Underwater

I swam with my pal bra today.
The time we had was oh so gay.
The carefree jaunt on water's edge
A step back from depression's ledge
A catfish nudged me and i laughed
the cool green water like a bath
that stained the bra the lightest brown
We dried and headed back to town.

Anatomical Gangsta

They call me Vas
because I Deferens
and this party that I'm having
yo it never ends

I got a crazy cervix smasher
got a mighty mamm'ry mauler
got a straight smash to the sphincter
call me anatomic balla

Call Me Caesar

Lend me your ears
lend me your wife
buy me some beers
sell me your life
Kill Aaron Neville
take all his gold
dig with this shovel
jump in the hole
Worship my shoes
say "Oh I likey"
kneel on the floor
kiss on my Nike
Cook me a meal
make it taste good
park my Ferrari
get off the hood
Tend to my garden
trim all the shrubs
begging my pardon
root for the Cubs
Finish this poem
shave your whole back
then you can show 'em
you're back on track.

Die Hard, Bruce Willis

Bounty for terrorists,

Hollywood money

Give me bin Laden,

that'sWhole Ten Yards funny.

I will deliver

a terrorist threat

just like the Hardy Boys

sold their chum Chet

I'll serve you up

a most horrible butcher

plattered like Demi

sexed up Ashton Kutcher

the terrorist lives

in a house sixteen hun'

pennsylvan' avenue

this should be fun

First we'll nab Rumsfeld

he's an old fart

that should shut down

ol' man Cheney's weak heart

On to the Oval

where I'll earn my cash

before we grab Georgie

we'll tap Laura's ass

Find the young daughters

extreme 'toxication

this should bring down

the most terrorist nation

Can't forget Bar

with her white curls so tight

take her to Astrodome

just for one night

Swing down to 'Hassee

Jeb will go quick

though finding Miss Condi

could be quite a trick

Still we must find her,

I'd spend my first looks

on places that have

some old Russian-themed books

Now Mr. Willis

cough up the bread

brought you the terrorists

just like you said.

Scared the Pith Out of Him

pink patriot stalks the fruited plain
the pre- and post-pubescent alike
do stand together and shriek

Cracking voices absent for a day
only the solid, the anti-hollow,
the rich and pure do present themselves

the beating drums the beating the beating,
sudden stop, waiting motionless for return
that may or may not come,

And Lord Stanley makes a hasty retreat.

Wish I Was a Drunken Sailor

I wish I was a drunken sailor,
aye aye, aye aye,
I wish I was a drunken sailor,
with a drunken glassy eye.

I wish I had the night to stumble,
ho ho, ho ho,
I wish I had the night to stumble,
with nowhere else to go.

I'd like to wake up on a strange road,
hey hey, hey hey,
I'd like to wake up on a strange road,
with gravel on my face.

I hope I'm somewhere else in the mornin',
oh no, oh no,
I hope I'm somewhere else in the mornin',
as long as I'm not home.

I want a drunken lass on my arm now,
she's fine, she's fine,
I want a drunken lass on my arm now,
just for tonight she's mine.

I wish I was a drunken sailor,
aye aye, aye aye,
I wish I was a drunken sailor,
just drinkin' til I die.

Alas, The Frothy Brew Hath Departed

If prohibition comes again
and brew is made illegal
you'll all be just like me
and put away the chivas regal

A 40 ounce becomes a 12
a bud becomes a pepsi
and caffeine doth replace the feel
of Beck's sweet narcolepsy

A flask in pocket dwells no more
instead a Dr. Pepper
I said your mom's a dirty whore
for calling me a leper

Tis true a Diet Mountain Dew
has nothing on Bacardi
one shrinks thine penis even more
whilst other livens party

and what is humble minute maid
without some vodka added
non-alcoholic screwdriver
is like a bra that's padded

Oh wretched sweet kahlua
is there any taste replacement
Is it worse to drink plain coffee
than move back to mother's basement?

There's no place like Tequilaville
once you've become the mayor
what fun are city council meets
without the need for Bayer

Poor sweet Coca-Cola
once the famous sweet elixir
has lost its former luster
since it stopped being a mixer

Though constant 'bibing tis the key
to many happy mem'ry
Sobriety's McGahee
drunkenness is Travis Henry.

Macchio's Heavenly Thunder

As thunder pealed
and lightning struck
The heavens opened up.

In burning gash
soil burns like hell
as though a me'teor fell.

The smoke cloud clears
mere tendrils left
and where the ground was cleft

a gift remains
from skies above
that proves omnip'tent love.

A Jersey lad
cross country drive
and oh was he alive!

Miyagi soon
unlocked the gift
and spirits did he lift.

Tho' certain Kai
didst wound the leg
and Johnny tried to sweep

He was defeated
in the end
by wondrous Crane Technique.

And as we gathered
gave our thanks
and ate the slaughtered bird

Raised high our glasses
to the sky
for d'livering us The Word.

And Sunday morn
as Christians pray
to Jesus for revival

I'll spend my time
with Daniel-san
and film's most Holy Bible.

C. Everett Poop

The heavens wept
as rain doth fall
celestial nostrils clench
from ghastly pall
which hangeth o'er
the ground like haze
five senses blurred
in cloudy maze
The surgeon general farted.

After triumphant return
to medical board
there's jewels to clench
there's gold to hoard
as shield is pierced
by odor's sword
The surgeon general farted.

As children wail
at mother's breast
the comatose
take final rest
The surgeon general farted.

A horrid stench
doth fill the skies
The surgeon general farted.

Choke! Gasp! Cough!
The surgeon general farted.

The surgeon general farted.

A Typical Evening

As crystal goblets are slowly drained of crushed grapes,
the finest linens in all of Persia drape our table.

The head waiter, once the King of Thailand's personal assistant,
snaps softly, directing busboys to and fro,
their crimson slippered feet treading soft waves in luxurious carpets.

In the distance, a master of song strokes ivories with a lover's touch,
drawing a tear to my companion's eye with the sweet melody.
I draw twice from the opium pipe, inhaling the deathly smoke deep
within lungs almost virginal in their pinkness.

From the next table, whispers of conversation,
as two conspirators share a secret meal,
the tender lamb so succulent that they soon forget
the jealous wife and angry husband abandoned for the evening.

Bejeweled chandelier casts a warming glow down on our meal,
and the faint memory of cilantro lingers amidst the taste of Orient's pride.
A melancholy horn is suddenly heard,
its rhythm clings to that of the pianist in passionate embrace.

After dessert of the richest chocolate, served warm as the underside of sleeping queen,
a steel chalice of icy milk,
parted from cow's udder only long enough to chill to the perfect degree.

As the bespectacled owner, once Minister of Finance for the Ivory Coast,
prepares our bill, we silently retrieve our coats, one leather and one fur,
and depart without paying.

Droplet of Sweat on the Sphinx's Brow

A droplet of urine
a speckle of lint
a crust from a nostril
a faint taste of mint

a blast from the past
a spilled vase of sangria
finally an indictment
for Jose Padilla

a droplet of urine
a mouthful of muke
blew noses together
the smell made them puke

don't know what that meant
and don't know why I'd care
some rogaine for grandpa
comb over that hair

a droplet of urine
falls quick to the tile
a urinal beckons
but grav'ty's denial

doth stir in some echoes
from heavens above
whilst sugarplum fairies
sing high like the dove

a wee dab of windex
a speckle of lint
aerobic instructor
many a pitched tent

don't know what that means
and not sure that I care
twelve days yon til christmas
the shape of a pear

a droplet of urine
a sprinkle of muke
a stain on the diaper
the foul stench of dook

the baby powd' beckons
two johnsons collide
the oil doth anointest
the lion's young pride

Don't know what this means
and I think I should stop
a droplet of urine
the slightest kerplop.

Neocon's Delight

If your neighbor dies

and she's buried down

at good ol' Forest Green

and you thought she was

the purtiest gal

your sick old eyes had seen

you get your shovel

and you wait til dark

as you sniff some elmer's glue

when you hit the sixth foot

and the casket goes clang

you say what would a neocon do

well... he... would...

take her on home

put her in a different dress

then he'd make a little mess

dripping butter on her chest

rest her head on the pilla

have a nip a sasparilla

take a pic to save for later

call his mom up to berate her

why'd she raise him up this way

if he'd only turned out gay

life would be a little better

put away the graverob sweater

sick desires at an end

happy times around the bend

yippy yi yippy yay

what a glorious day

and we all sing a song

about where he went wrong

If the cops come knockin'

on your old front door

and you know they got the right

to take you to jail

for the stuff you did

to that little boy last night

you head for the window

ease the shades up slow

and you leave with no further ado

when you pass the state line

on the greyhound bus

you ask what would a neocon do

well...he...would...

whip out his nine

turn the bus across the line

shoot the driver in the chin

execute all the men

let the kids and women go

'cept the lad with polio

likes the boys with the crutches

gotta get 'em in his clutches

dance around in galoshes

loves 'em in oshkosh b'goshes

long as age is under seven

he's in sex offender heaven

now he's back where he started

cop says smells like someone farted

so they know that he's home

call his lawyer on the phone

get my mom to bail me out

can't--she's sickly with the gout

what about Uncle Deer

he's the one who got me here

with his unwelcome grab

took me to his basement lab

where he mixed up all his cremes

i can still hear boyhood screams

burned him up it was crazy

"time to go, inmate Cheney"

Greetings and Salutations

The goal here is to use this blog as the ancients used leeches, to suck out the poison that is my creative juice. By the way, the ancients aren't that old, they just sound like it.