Usher, Can You Show Me the Exit

I can't help but wonder if
the producers of the new film
starring R & B superstar Usher
wanted to get Jamie-Lynn Sigler
as the main female lead but
maybe she didn't want to be typecast
as a mafioso's daughter so
she turned it down and
went back to sitting around
looking good.

Hi, My Name is Dolph

If you get Dolph in the house
you'll be caught in his net
like a slow moving tuna.

One time I staggered to
the local Blockbuster
after waking up the night before
on the sidewalk in a
neighborhood I didn't know.

My clothes dirty,
I reeked of rum
and my hair was disheveled.

I didn't rent one of
the multitude of Dolph
Lundgren titles that day.

Maybe if I had, it wouldn't have taken me eight more months and a hundred and one disasters to sober myself up.

Underwire Underwater

I swam with my pal bra today.
The time we had was oh so gay.
The carefree jaunt on water's edge
A step back from depression's ledge
A catfish nudged me and i laughed
the cool green water like a bath
that stained the bra the lightest brown
We dried and headed back to town.

Anatomical Gangsta

They call me Vas
because I Deferens
and this party that I'm having
yo it never ends

I got a crazy cervix smasher
got a mighty mamm'ry mauler
got a straight smash to the sphincter
call me anatomic balla

Call Me Caesar

Lend me your ears
lend me your wife
buy me some beers
sell me your life
Kill Aaron Neville
take all his gold
dig with this shovel
jump in the hole
Worship my shoes
say "Oh I likey"
kneel on the floor
kiss on my Nike
Cook me a meal
make it taste good
park my Ferrari
get off the hood
Tend to my garden
trim all the shrubs
begging my pardon
root for the Cubs
Finish this poem
shave your whole back
then you can show 'em
you're back on track.

Die Hard, Bruce Willis

Bounty for terrorists,

Hollywood money

Give me bin Laden,

that'sWhole Ten Yards funny.

I will deliver

a terrorist threat

just like the Hardy Boys

sold their chum Chet

I'll serve you up

a most horrible butcher

plattered like Demi

sexed up Ashton Kutcher

the terrorist lives

in a house sixteen hun'

pennsylvan' avenue

this should be fun

First we'll nab Rumsfeld

he's an old fart

that should shut down

ol' man Cheney's weak heart

On to the Oval

where I'll earn my cash

before we grab Georgie

we'll tap Laura's ass

Find the young daughters

extreme 'toxication

this should bring down

the most terrorist nation

Can't forget Bar

with her white curls so tight

take her to Astrodome

just for one night

Swing down to 'Hassee

Jeb will go quick

though finding Miss Condi

could be quite a trick

Still we must find her,

I'd spend my first looks

on places that have

some old Russian-themed books

Now Mr. Willis

cough up the bread

brought you the terrorists

just like you said.

Scared the Pith Out of Him

pink patriot stalks the fruited plain
the pre- and post-pubescent alike
do stand together and shriek

Cracking voices absent for a day
only the solid, the anti-hollow,
the rich and pure do present themselves

the beating drums the beating the beating,
sudden stop, waiting motionless for return
that may or may not come,

And Lord Stanley makes a hasty retreat.