Internet Love

I wonder if there would ever
be a guy who had a thing for
female law enforcement officers
so much so that he would
pretend to be trying to seduce
an underage teen girl just to
get to talk to the woman who
pretended to be the young
girl over the phone when they
were setting up the in-person
meeting where the guy would be
arrested and set on the path
to jailhouse rape and a life
of sex offender registration
and I also wonder if the guy
would be pretty disappointed
when the woman isn't even there
at his arrest because she only
has a young voice and they have
to go outside the department
and recruit a postal employee
who looks young enough to play
the part of the teenager at
the arranged meeting.

Did Al Gore anticipate all
of this nonsense when he
invented the internet?

Forty Drunken Santas

One passed out in the snow and died
two commiserated on their troubles and cried
three went home and beat their wives
four took icy sidewalk nose dives
five split a lottery ticket and won
six got mistaken for the dead Big Pun
seven gang-raped a woman in a sleigh
eight ate eight meals on eight red trays
as for the other four I really don't know
But they all had me at "ho ho ho".

The Heartiest Nog

Bullets fly and others duck
but one stands tall, it is not luck
For tis but heartiness and might
that keeps him basking in the light

Just one month old, he battled bears
the age of three he tamed wild mares
at tender four he wrestled a gator
first sex encounter, that came later

The heartiest nog is egg you see
no other nog compares to thee
I'd probably fly to Tripoli
for one sip of the N-O-G

We should rip the Bill of Rights
for one horrific oversight
it makes no provision to grant relief
so that egg nog can be our commander in chief

He strangles molesters til faces turn violet
he happens to be a licensed pilot
he walked off the set of Rush Hour 3
screen time not split evenly

The heartiest nog is egg you see
no other nog compares to thee
I'd probably walk to NYC
for one sip of the N-O-G

'06 Liquidator

I am on a bus headed to Chernobyl,
where the ghost-town silence is
never broken by anyone but me.

The elephant's foot lies uncovered,
the sarcophagus long shattered,
and I cannot say I was not warned.

I know I should step back,
just far enough to drink
clear vodka with gray people
in summer wheat and red scarves.

To eat the tainted boar,
pick toxic fruit from hanging vine,
dip my hand into poison waters
and bring it to my mouth.

As I sleep on the blackest
Ukrainian earth, invisible fingers
with scientists' names
gently stroke my forehead
and prolong my dreams,
which do not end.

Happiness of Survival

Hanging over ledge on warm Chicago night,

driving down I-57, shaking my head to clear it of 80 proof cobwebs,

passing out to the sound of Pussy on the Sopranos DVD, cigar butt smoldering in empty peanut butter jar.

Bad Call, Ref

Myopic bastard, blind old Magoo
die motherfucker, covered in poo
the music you make makes me sick to my guts
come on and suck on these fabulous nuts

Please referee take the head out your ass
the whistling sound the escape of the gas
Years ago they say the asshole was tight
now it makes funky ol' music of night

tweet tweet tweet was the sound from your whistle
spend too much time reading Roman epistle
found you out back giving fouls in the thistle
hair is so sticky your brush lost a bristle

Please referee take the head out your butt
.45 slug to Don Denkinger's gut
Van Exel showed what a small shove can do
myopic bastard, blind old Magoo

You blow a lot of things, whistle is one
Oral fixation? Try sucking my gun.
Want to get technical? (that was a pun)
technically speaking you might want to run

You look like foot locker gave you a pink
Wash those black panties they heartily stink
then take your bath in a gas station sink
seed in your eye, miss a call when you blink

Are you the father of young Eric Nies?
lay on the grass when your dogs take their pees?
Stalk Richard Simmons from high in the trees?
Beg me for mercy from down on your knees

Please referee take the head out your ass
where'd you get certified, who taught the class?
How many whistles got blown for your A
Zebras extinct starting out yesterday.

A Paltry Sum

Tis nobler still to give a dime
to man who doth request it
than to inherit fifty grand
from him who hath bequest' it

The richest man throughout the land
has but the same chance we do
to drown upon the shimm'ring lake
while riding on his Sea-Doo

And whenst the reaper cometh
to collect his deathly toll
the millionaire could just as well
die faced in Corn Flakes bowl

Yon Microsoft inventors
cometh nearer to their fates
each day that passeth quickly
is one less for even Gates

It is true a litany of men
have gone to early graves
whilst working in the coal mines
or as other types of slaves

And what had they to show
when they didst finally retire?
How helped the money earned
to raise them 'bove life's sickly mire?

So keeping this in mind
that you must yearn to be alive
Buy a month of HBO
Right now just $13.95

Usher, Can You Show Me the Exit

I can't help but wonder if
the producers of the new film
starring R & B superstar Usher
wanted to get Jamie-Lynn Sigler
as the main female lead but
maybe she didn't want to be typecast
as a mafioso's daughter so
she turned it down and
went back to sitting around
looking good.

Hi, My Name is Dolph

If you get Dolph in the house
you'll be caught in his net
like a slow moving tuna.

One time I staggered to
the local Blockbuster
after waking up the night before
on the sidewalk in a
neighborhood I didn't know.

My clothes dirty,
I reeked of rum
and my hair was disheveled.

I didn't rent one of
the multitude of Dolph
Lundgren titles that day.

Maybe if I had, it wouldn't have taken me eight more months and a hundred and one disasters to sober myself up.

Underwire Underwater

I swam with my pal bra today.
The time we had was oh so gay.
The carefree jaunt on water's edge
A step back from depression's ledge
A catfish nudged me and i laughed
the cool green water like a bath
that stained the bra the lightest brown
We dried and headed back to town.

Anatomical Gangsta

They call me Vas
because I Deferens
and this party that I'm having
yo it never ends

I got a crazy cervix smasher
got a mighty mamm'ry mauler
got a straight smash to the sphincter
call me anatomic balla

Call Me Caesar

Lend me your ears
lend me your wife
buy me some beers
sell me your life
Kill Aaron Neville
take all his gold
dig with this shovel
jump in the hole
Worship my shoes
say "Oh I likey"
kneel on the floor
kiss on my Nike
Cook me a meal
make it taste good
park my Ferrari
get off the hood
Tend to my garden
trim all the shrubs
begging my pardon
root for the Cubs
Finish this poem
shave your whole back
then you can show 'em
you're back on track.